TIGblogs - Eliza

eliza_t's TIGBlog

eliza_t's TIGBlog

the struggle
so i keep wondering whether i've changed, or whether it's living with others all the time that means they seem to see through me as easily as glass. i do not mean for them to, more than i ever have, but it seems that suddenly i am surrounded by others who are perceptive, who notice the smallest and worst things about me; things that i do not wish anyone - not even myself - to notice. i am being confronted with all the worst things about myself, things i cannot avoid or silence my mind about. i am being confronted by my need to change, to grow in the truest sense - and also, despite my championing of it - my inevitable fear of change. i do not wish to change. i do not wish to need to change. i wish for everyone else to change their view, and for mine to stay the same - to be, like my father, never wrong. not to have to admit my own faults, my own clumsy inadequacies and guilt, my self-centeredness, my pride and arrogance, my desire to tell stories and be listened to. my need, fundamental crushing desire, to be liked. i am also realising that the smokescreens of my previous life do not work here. i cannot perform 24 hours a day for months on end; it is not practical, it will not be believed. i must be quiet, i must be still. i must learn to think before i speak not only of how it will be received, of what they will want to hear, or of what i want to say, but both at once. i must learn yet again another way to act, another way to be. this time, it needs to be for keeps. i want to learn to be liked.

June 9, 2003 | 10:27 AM

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Comments

	Mike June 9, 2003 \| 9:28 PM

My advice. I hope you realise what advice I offer here is not advice supported by experience. Merely, it is a few suggestions from someone who doesn't know any better. One who wants to help, but doesn't know if he can. We all change. Mostly for the better. Like you admit, you can't stop it. But you can shape it. You are everything the world needs of a person, and more. So let it know you are out there. Don't be quiet. Be loud. You are liked. By so many people. The one's who don't like you, don't deserve to. I don't know what else to say, other than you've pulled through worse times than this, and your still shining like the brightest of stars in the sky. Just like...before. But then, that's just what I think. - - - Pred.

	j June 10, 2003 \| 12:50 AM

live.... live your life and love who you are...In the quiet moments... appreciate who you are and who you will become... and only you can ever be the judge of the parameters set. There are always things that we know of ourselves, that others will never have access to... Some things are vast sources of strength, others unwanted weaknesses... all are part of you. Those who judge are measuring you by what standards? by whose sayso? for what reason? If they truly are judging you, then most will be exposing their own insecurities, or reflecting their own prejudices.... and this is not for you to respond to. More likely - their reaction is reflective of genuinely not caring enough to notice how they are affecting you, or not caring enough to learn who you are, and not some fleeting image of who they think you might be.... "All the world is mad but for me and thee.... and even thou art mad!" You will change over time, maybe some of the ways you operate, but like most of us...perhaps the only shift will be that you will become better at wearing the masks society expects of us. Those of us who love you, do so without limits, we embrace the flaws and adore the foibles - we all have them and hope you accept ours too.

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